Near Harvard - A recently published study has revealed that fewer elderly Americans are choosing to prolong their lives by absorbing the vital essence of younger generations. Milton Carport Jr., shown here not siphoning life essence from the soul of his great-great-grandson, and minutes before collapsing into a pile of dust that was carried off by the wind "The results are clear and compelling," lead researcher and nonagenarian Judd Crenshaw explained. "Things haven't been go

Columbus, OH - A study published this month in the Journal of Paranormal Medicine reveals that 75% of American colons are haunted, though many of the hosts are unaware of their ghostly stowaways. A board certified gastroparapsychologist, shown here sensing the presence of a vengeful intra-abdominal poltergeist in a woman complaining of unusual feelings of movement in her lower abdomen "We decided to finally approach the question of haunted large intestines scientifically afte

Belvidere, Nebraska (KN) - President Donald Trump called for the criminal prosecution of the Democratic candidate running for Village Board Chairperson in Belvidere on Friday after revelations that she appears to be a fundamentally good person. Candidate Myrna Miller, shown here baking with grandson Mervis, tragically born with a cabbage head because her daughter-in-law prefers Sara Lee to her own homemade apple pie, still treats him like a normal boy and lets him gnaw on all