Washington, D.C. - Only three days after a judge blocked subpoenas served to Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell as part of a probe into potential crimes related to management of the central bank's renovation, the Department of Justice has announced that it is now seeking access to Santa's Naughty List. Santa Clause, shown here telling a child that he better be a good boy or else he won't get any presents this year, has denied visiting Epstein Island "This is the antithesis o

Pine Valley, IL - Pine Valley resident Margaret Turner, having discovered how truly unfulfilling her life would have been if she had never married her husband, died today as a result of an injury sustained when returning from a magical journey into the past. Turner, shown here with her husband a few minutes after realizing how much she still loved him, and right before her brain stem herniated through the hole in the bottom of her skull "This sometimes happens with traumatic

In the past, when people disagreed with my judgement, I simply ripped the still beating heart from the chest of their leader and devoured it as their followers watched on in horror. Problem solved. I miss the simplicity of the past. These days, with social media and its ability to force people into increasingly limited silos of curated information, I can't just feast on a few entrails and expect word of mouth to do the rest. Now it's all emails, Zoom meetings, and media hits