Portland, ME - When Portland 5-year-old Tackle Lewinsky skips down the long cement path towards his neighborhood playground, the other families know it's time to pack up and head home. Tackle, who loves dinosaurs, digging holes in the sand, and telling stories with at least two events, is an asshole. Suffering from the most severe form of the condition, he is in fact a complete and total asshole.
"He seemed like such a sweet baby at first," Tackle's mother Lurleen Lewinsky explained. "But now, I just look at him wonder where it all went so wrong. He could be sitting there quietly watching the Disney Channel, and he's still such an asshole...just like his father."
Some experts, like Harvard area pediatric geneticist Marsha Collins, are raising serious concerns about labeling a child as young as Tackle with what many believe to be a chronic condition. "A child this age is still developing, and he looks to those around him for support and for social cues on how to behave. His brain is rapidly changing as new connections are being forged between neurons, and I've seen pediatric asshole cases improve to just being little shits sometimes. Being labeled like this could negatively influence his...wait, Tackle Lewinsky? Yeah, that kid is an asshole."
Tackle, who is potty trained for the most part but still occasionally has nighttime accidents, can count to ten, and is able to hop on one foot, is just one of a growing population of asshole toddlers who think that we should all just stop whatever we're doing and pay attention to them. That's great, you found a shiny rock. Oh, you did your own buttons. Real damn cute. Assholes.
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