Near Oxford - An elite team of some of the smartest professors in England working day and night for the past several months has finally solved one of the most challenging puzzles of the modern political era: former president Donald Trump's decades-long oratorical weaving together of thousands of seemingly disparate topics into a complete and fully cohesive narrative.
"To some people it sounds more and more like gibberish every day," Barnaby O'Toole, the third ranked professor in England, who is also an English professor, explained. "Some have even mistakenly called his speeches the rambling spoken narrative of a malignant narcissist with worsening dementia, but he is just referencing things they don't remember or fully understand. Frankly it is like an ant trying to understand quantum physics."
During a recent political rally, Trump precisely detailed his preternatural ability to piece together a variety of topics that appear unrelated to listeners with lesser intellects:
You know, I do the weave. You know what the weave is? I'll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together, and it's like, friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, 'It's the most brilliant thing I've ever seen.'
As is often the case when facing a highly complex problem containing a near infinite number of variables, dedicated scholarly liberal arts research has now uncovered the absolute truth. According to O'Toole, the former president is a genius when it comes to connecting dots within a single speech or between many speeches, sometimes waiting years or even decades to reveal the overarching point he is making. "He gets off a subject to mention another little tidbit. Then he gets back onto the subject, and he goes through this, and he does it for two hours or even two decades, and he doesn't even mispronounce one word."
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