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Writer's pictureZoo Knudsen

Trump Considers Krampus for Key Role in New Administration

Updated: 3 days ago

Washington, D.C. - As President-elect Trump prepares for his second term, one of the most controversial choices for a high-ranking leadership position in his administration might just be Krampus.


Krampus, shown here at Mar-a-Lago after meeting with Donal Trump earlier this week, denies touching the underage children he tortures and consumes inappropriately

"Krampus is a demon known for beating children with birch branches before dragging them to his lair in a large sack," Senate majority leader Chuck Schumer explained. "This is not an entity that should be allowed access to these hallowed halls. And I can promise you that we will not allow his confirmation without a fight, or at least a very strongly worded letter."


For millennia, Krampus has existed within the nightmares of children all over the world, emerging on December 5th to gather up and consume any that he has deemed naughty. According to the half-goat, half-demon monster, his prior experience punishing children who don't respect their parents has prepared him for a high-level cabinet position or whatever else the President-elect has in mind. "It warms the cockles of my blackened heart just to be considered and I"m looking forward to helping in any way I can, whether it's saving Christmas from the liberals or as Attorney General. What? Would you prefer Gaetz? I may send those kids to Hell but I don't, you know, do anything...sexual with them."

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I think this is fake news. Trump demands total loyalty; I'm pretty sure Krampus does, too, but in the other direction.

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Keep your friends close and your interdimensional chaos demons even closer.

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